Defense Techniques for Pizza Drivers

At first glance, holding up the pizza delivery driver looks like a good idea. He carries cash, probably is unarmed, and with any luck at all you can grab dinner at the same time.

That formula worked awhile for a Pennsylvania couple, but after several successful heists their luck ran out. Busted. Now they’re in more trouble than they could possibly imagine. A few armed robberies of a delivery boy and you’re looking at the possibility of life in prison.

Suddenly it’s not very funny anymore. Regardless of whom the target is, when you threaten someone with a gun, the consequences can be severe.

And prison food is not nearly as tasty as a fresh pepperoni pie with double cheese.

There have been quite a few robberies of delivery drivers around the United States in recent years. Many of the drivers are young and inexperienced and unable to put up much of a defense, although if it comes down to a car chase, I’ll put my money on the pizza driver any day.

So how do we keep the world safe for pizza guys who probably can’t afford a gun, much less the ammunition?

Here are a few safety tips courtesy of the Pizza Box Empire, an industry group based in Ann Arbor, Michigan:

  • Drivers should have at the ready at all times a container of scalding hot pizza grease to throw at assailants. Simmering sausage fat in the eye has been known to stop the most determined robber.
  • Bulletproof pizza boxes that can stop high-caliber rounds at close range. From inside the car they can make the driver’s side window impenetrable. Once the driver is out of the car and walking up to a residence, the sturdy box may be used as a shield similar to the one employed by Conan the Barbarian.
  • The delivery vehicle, often an older model compact car with a faulty muffler, could be rigged to emit pizza fumes through the exhaust pipe. Such a smokescreen would stop a villain in his tracks even if he could see his target through the thick smoke.
  • Squirt guns that look like automatic handguns but instead of shooting bullets they let out a crippling stream of spicy tomato sauce.

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