At first glance, holding up the pizza delivery driver looks like a good idea. He carries cash, probably is unarmed, and with any luck at all you can grab dinner at the same time.
That formula worked awhile for a Pennsylvania couple, but after several successful heists their luck ran out. Busted. Now they’re in more trouble than they could possibly imagine. A few armed robberies of a delivery boy and you’re looking at the possibility of life in prison.
Suddenly it’s not very funny anymore. Regardless of whom the target is, when you threaten someone with a gun, the consequences can be severe.
And prison food is not nearly as tasty as a fresh pepperoni pie with double cheese.
There have been quite a few robberies of delivery drivers around the United States in recent years. Many of the drivers are young and inexperienced and unable to put up much of a defense, although if it comes down to a car chase, I’ll put my money on the pizza driver any day.
So how do we keep the world safe for pizza guys who probably can’t afford a gun, much less the ammunition?
Here are a few safety tips courtesy of the Pizza Box Empire, an industry group based in Ann Arbor, Michigan:
- Drivers should have at the ready at all times a container of scalding hot pizza grease to throw at assailants. Simmering sausage fat in the eye has been known to stop the most determined robber.
- Bulletproof pizza boxes that can stop high-caliber rounds at close range. From inside the car they can make the driver’s side window impenetrable. Once the driver is out of the car and walking up to a residence, the sturdy box may be used as a shield similar to the one employed by Conan the Barbarian.
- The delivery vehicle, often an older model compact car with a faulty muffler, could be rigged to emit pizza fumes through the exhaust pipe. Such a smokescreen would stop a villain in his tracks even if he could see his target through the thick smoke.
- Squirt guns that look like automatic handguns but instead of shooting bullets they let out a crippling stream of spicy tomato sauce.